Wake up call

Monday- it's not the best way to wake up on a Monday morning but I suppose this is what is considered a part of life here. 

Happy St. Patrick's day as well! 4 more days to go. 

Bright Lights And Cityscapes

If you will, play this while reading, I dare you.

In the advent of last night's excursion out to the Hollywood Hills for the first time in my life (and since my move to the left coast), and appropriately so for a web series premiere party for a friend with a budding career in the entertainment industry, I am taking a moment of reprieve from my grading frenzy of these very rough drafts of Gatsby analytical papers, to reflect a little; to breathe, and then continue. There is always beauty in the confluence of disparate moments that one's life possesses, and I am trying more and more to hold on to these moments that seem to weave themselves together. Even as I write this, I think about the images, the themes and ideas that Fitzgerald's novel holds about the incredible possibilities that exist, that are dreamed up in the midst of hard realities that persist, and the other moments that have surfaced in this brief pause.

In the midst of all that I have been trying to figure out about my own life, I spent a few hours with a dear colleague and friend of mine, as well as some other special people who have occupied the more recent spaces in my life, to celebrate the launch of a web series that she and some other talented and driven people wrote, directed and produced. As we made our way up the winding road to this hillside venue after a short stopover at The Abbey (also another LA landmark that I was happy to have visited in good company), I experienced a split-second of celebrity on a step and repeat that led to a breath-taking view of the city that I have struggled to embrace these past few months.  And in that moment, as I looked out on to the expanse of the sprawling city-town, I exhaled. The weather was perfect, everyone was looking fresh and ready for whatever was ahead. And I was happy. I felt for a moment, as Fitzgerald writes, that the world might "be in a uniform and at a sort of moral attention forever." It was a time to celebrate the achievements of dreams realized, dreams conjured, and there was joy and indulgence in such thought for those few hours.  This is what makes this city, in short, dazzling. Not to say that the underbelly of such accomplishments is just as glamorous--I know it's not. I still have my feet on the ground, sometimes just one at a time, but yesterday, even after talking to a friend about my own struggles to own me, to understand the grace of God in my life, and to define the terms of how it will be for me, just between Him and me, I felt a sense of renewal in the hope that I have always held on to, when it comes to what is in store for me.  And as I have struggled to embrace that 'self', that version of me that I am continuing to become, the one that is already determined, regardless of my parents expectations, or the approval I have painstakingly sought in favor over my own, or even God's, I want to be proud of who I am and who I will continue to become, because I know I have made the choices for my life without feeling guilted or apologetic about them. To be fearless and faithful through and through.

In listening to this song, I was reminded of an essay I wrote in college about my best friend. Even though there have been moments in my life where she and I have been distant, not by anything other than life happening to both of us, I still consider her my best friend, because for so long, even when geography was the biggest obstacle for us to manage, she was always there to receive me, to accept me and tell it to me straight, whether it was how to defend a field hockey goal in her backyard (I was the practice partner all summer), or being the 'other', the sister, the counterpart for whatever she needed me to be, however she needed help. I spent much of those summers feeling whole, because she embodied many qualities that I only wished to possess and see actualized in myself. We were complements, and at the same time, she also reminded me of the characteristics that I owned and she made me thankful for them. I have often discredited, or even failed to acknowledge that flaws and all, I am who I am. I will continue to change, and evolve, but every summer that I spent with her, I began to see her grow as well, and I realized that there was always that opportunity, that chance for her tempers to subside, for her to also see that her way wasn't always going to be the right way, that I might have some perspective and maybe even a right answer for her to consider. And as I have watched her grow up alongside me, get married, grow a business, and become a mother, what has never wavered is her faith in me, in her ability to admit change, embrace her flaws, forgive herself, and move on. And perhaps, although it is a late realization, I am also learning to let go, to forgive, to embrace who I am and who I have become. There are parts of me that will never change, parts of me that people will grow to dislike or find unacceptable, especially people I consider to be the most important in my life.  But this is me.

So when I go back to last night, looking out at the lights and the city, for all that it offered in its luster and excitement from where I stood, I also reflected on the unseen, the struggle, the dirty noise, the fuel and process of keeping such appearances.  And I looked to the moon, seemingly full, and smiled.

Bright Lights and Cityscapes

Hold my breath and I'll count to ten
I'm the paper and you're the pen
You fill me in and you are permanent
And you'll leave me to dry
I'm the writer and she's the muse
And the one that you always choose
She will falter and gift her blame
And it starts all over again
Again again again

She is bright lights and cityscapes
And white lies and cavalcades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you
You say maybe it'll last this time
But I'm gonna love you
You never have to ask
I'm gonna love you
'Til you start looking back
I'm gonna love you
So right
I wouldn't need a second chance

Shield your eyes from the truth at hand
Tell me why it'll be good again
All those demons are closing in
And I don't want you to burn
Nevermind what I said before
I don't want any less anymore
You are carbon and I am flame
I will rise and you will
Remain

For bright lights and cityscapes
And landslides and masquerades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you
You say, "Maybe it'll last this time"
But I'm gonna love you
You never have to ask
I'm gonna love you
'Til you start looking back
I wouldn't need a second chance
I wouldn't need a second chance
I wouldn't need a second chance
I wouldn't need a second chance

 -S. Bareilles

“It is never too late, but it is good to start now.”

Like many things in my life, I have let this space fall by the wayside. Let's face it, I have a list of things that take higher priority than blogging for myself. But like all things, everything that I have every started or committed to takes on a sense of priority that feels like I must attend to it right then and there, and if not, then I have failed.

The above is the beginning of a post I started over two years ago.  If I can even begin to place the time and event of this particular post, I might be able to attribute it to a long weekend, and towards the end of my volleyball season. I also let my blog posting go; there may have been about a three month hiatus since I had last written, and I think I was entering into a phase of serious contemplation, about what my next step in life should be, if there would be a next step, and so on and so forth.

So I guess it is only appropriate that I begin to write again. This has usually been the course of contemplation, reflection, evaluation, and just a place for me to reconsider the many thoughts I think about, tell myself that I need to write down right then and there, only to be side tracked and then to forget those lines and phrases that seemed so poignant, so brilliant, so necessary to write down and write about. Catharsis. I suppose that is what this ultimately becomes, and I do wish that I will be able to finish the blog posts I write, and I also hope that I will be able to write more consistently.  There is a lot that I must edit out, and there are people I wish would read this site, but I suppose it really has become a source of reflection for me. And I hope that given the circumstances, I can really think about and utilize all of these thoughts as a way to reinforce some of my convictions and to inspire further inquiry about the questions and circumstances of my life. So, here goes.

Procrastinating

Ah. movies that I can't stand to not watch when they are on TV:
Two Weeks Notice
The Wedding Planner
The Holiday
Love Actually
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
The Proposal
Any Jake Gyllenhaal movie
Any Mark Wahlberg movie
Any Ryan Reynolds movie
Today's evil was The Wedding Planner and Two Weeks Notice, back to back.

Comments, be done with. (Except, they are not.)

It has been quite an adventure here in Costa Rica. With two days left, I am sad about having to leave. It has been an extraordinary experience- the beach club that we have been allowed to stay at is pretty sweet--the people there have all been so accommodating; our condo has been pretty exceptional, given that there is no way to avoid the large ants that roam as freely as the redshirt men that come walk through our yard and pool and property every other minute of the day; and surroundings and food have been nothing short of spectacular. This town is also just a really cool hippie town--where people just want to live and surf. I know. sometimes the simple things in life don't always mean that they are the only way about it, but here, people seem to just eat to live, surf to live, and do the things they need to. 'Not everything is permissible or beneficial...' but I tend to think that we have become and overcomplicated society.

This leads me to my next story. For the past week that we have been here, everything has really fallen into place; we have had really great adventures, great weather, good food, good company--and I've met some interesting people along the way. But on Tuesday night, we returned from la playa to find that there was no water. "Thank goodness you have a pool," is what the property manager said to us. We had also been out surfing--needless to say, a shower was in order, but we were told that the town shut off the water when people were using it too much. hmmm. So we did the next best thing--we jumped in the pool, tried to get as much sand and salt off of us as we could, and then dressed for dinner and had an evening. The water was back on when we got back on Tuesday night, and we thought, "great, all is well."

Except that yesterday, after a pretty terrific birthday celebration day for Michelle, we returned once more to a waterless house. So...we took some desperate measures. I called the Capitan Suizo hotel, a boutique hotel down the road from our house, to see if they had running water. They did. And a last ditch effort (shameless I know) on my part resulted in asking if the three of us could possibly shower over at the hotel. I waited. and waited--their muzak is pretty nice--and waited, and then the nice man came back on the line: "yes, you can come shower". What a godsend!

So we hiked over, and indeed, they had a little bathroom with a shower stall for us to shower in--I have never, in a long long time ( my first shower after a service in the philippines, after finally being able to afford a bungalow with running water in Krabi, and after my camping trip in college, are some similar experiences) felt so thankful for running water. I was then met by a herd of cats and raccoons--feeding on dinner--in the hallway of this boutique hotel. Yes. this hotel has pet raccoons. weird. But I finally got to have a tamarindo juice, and we ended the day with some ice cream (homemade cinnamon and coffee) and a banana split and a strawberry tart.

Running water: it's a precious commodity. We have our conspiracy theories about this place, namely that they ARE trying to conserve water between the hours of 3-9:30pm (the water was, of course, running when we returned), but we are also aware of the fact that the developer is in a little bit of financial trouble.

ah, costa rica.

WAH. Wah wah wah: The irony of altruism, or my misconception of it.

it's hard to swallow the fact that my willingness to help others becomes detrimental in some sense, to me.
That whole notion of 'what goes around, comes around'? yeah, I'm not really seeing it at this point. So here's the case in point. Five years ago, after I had started my first year in this job I currently hold, I ended up having a conversation with a friend who was in a bind at his school. Things were bad, and he needed out. I knew that he might not be totally interested in the idea of teaching at a boarding school, or even any independent school for that matter, but I figured I would, at the very least throw it out as an option, perhaps, just to humor him. Surprisingly, he was interested. So I referred him as a candidate for a position at my school, and he got the job. Initially, I was thrilled. I hadn't really taken into account what would happen if he came in for the interview and was nothing close to the idea that the department had in mind for employment. I also had really no idea what his teaching style was like, or how he was as a teacher. So then I began to fret that this might have potentially been a gutting experience. Maybe my job was on the line too. But he passed with flying colors, and I breathed a sigh of relief and patted myself on the back--I thought I had done good for the department, and for him.

So fast forward to 2012. We have been working together for the past four years, and he and I have not only maintained a good friendship but we have also experienced the ins and outs of working at our school. We have both been on the hunt for jobs--perhaps I have been with a little more urgency than he, for a number of reasons. Except that when an opportunity at a new school down in New York opened up, I set off to try and establish connections and interest, and while I knew his interest was piqued, I encouraged him to also apply. I put him in touch with the connection I had, and then we both ended up traveling down to interview. He said his interview was strange and rushed. Mine had been similar, but nevertheless, I felt that I had had some good talks with the people behind the scenes. I followed up with emails, and I'm sure he did the same (or maybe not?) but we both did not hear back from the school afterward. He was willing to take that as a 'no thank you'; or a 'don't call us, we'll call you' response, and seemed to just move on. I thought it wouldn't hurt to follow up about the process. so I did. and I got a response, which said, ' just wait a little longer.' So I did.

Only, he ended up getting the job offer, and took it (as he should, because, he should!), and somehow, although I am really really happy for him, it's just hard to accept the fact that in some way, I play some role in the hand he was dealt. I on the other hand was not offered a job, and while an email was written because of the fact that I would probably catch wind of his hire, there was a vague explanation of 'we didn't select him 'over' you, he just fit the needs of our school better.' sounds a little conflicting in my eyes. But what can I do? I didn't get it. And yet...maybe I shot myself in the foot. It's hard to be rejected. And I know that we are two different people, but maybe I'll never really know why, and I'll never fully believe or just take that line as the sincere reason. I don't know why I can't.

It's these very sentiments that seem to defile any intended altruism, though, don't they? And then I don't know why I would want to be any more altruistic if in someway, that initial desire and motivation to just help selflessly gets squashed by the outcome. Or maybe I don't know how to be altruistic, or I really don't know that I've ever truly experienced altruism.

I could get into how this all spirals with God, but I fear that my impassioned state or frustration only breeds more resentment. I'd like to believe that altruism is rewarded, but I don' t know at what point...

I really am so glad for him. I know that he's wanted to leave, and I know that in the long run, I want to and ultimately have to be content with the way life plays out for each of us. But, i feel like this is the second time I have basically placed these two jobs in his hands. And I am feeling left pretty empty handed. and crummy.

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