I can't sleep. This isn't an unusual occurence, but it's in these times, that my mind takes off on its own. Around this time, I'm actually a muddle of a lot of things: the end of the school term, which in this case, has been a long time coming; the lack of anything that is my life, among greater issues and concerns that surround me about the way my advisees are, the way my colleagues are holding themselves together, and how I feel like I have not contributed in ways. The only thing on my mind is how I can try to correct my golf swing so that I don't keep drawing the ball. The priorities are all out of order. My life goes into reverse in these times, and I have to stop, even when it's really hard to.
I've been thinking a lot about my purpose in life, my direction, my love and motivations. I think about the lack of a love. or a misguided love. I think about spontaniety, of risk, of courage and boldness.
I think about how tired I am. And how the drama of high school seems to color the kind of drama that perhaps I also create in my life. I'm not ready for tomorrow to come, and yet, it has already encroached my space.
I don't feel sorry for myself, and I'm not trying to provoke any kind of sympathy. This is just how I am. this is just how it is...And I also am learning to embrace it. I take solace for a brief moment in the beauty of someone else's perspectives on life, because they seem to mirror a bit the way I catch moments. I also pretend that maybe I could be legitimate friends with some famous people, not because they are famous, but because they offer up the kind of possibility that they would be ultimately human in the most humane, yet celebrated form. I think my curiosity with actors is also that which I long to see--who they are when they aren't busy being someone else. Because I don't know that I have the same suit or roles to hide behind. Do I have my own set of facades? Sure. Doesn't everybody? But I also believe that there are some people who spend most of their time in the limelight, wanting to be human. Perhaps I might also be able to embrace them for such a part of them. I also relish the idea that maybe someone more extraordinary might have some remote interest in someone like me, someone more ordinary.
