it's hard to swallow the fact that my willingness to help others becomes detrimental in some sense, to me.
That whole notion of 'what goes around, comes around'? yeah, I'm not really seeing it at this point. So here's the case in point. Five years ago, after I had started my first year in this job I currently hold, I ended up having a conversation with a friend who was in a bind at his school. Things were bad, and he needed out. I knew that he might not be totally interested in the idea of teaching at a boarding school, or even any independent school for that matter, but I figured I would, at the very least throw it out as an option, perhaps, just to humor him. Surprisingly, he was interested. So I referred him as a candidate for a position at my school, and he got the job. Initially, I was thrilled. I hadn't really taken into account what would happen if he came in for the interview and was nothing close to the idea that the department had in mind for employment. I also had really no idea what his teaching style was like, or how he was as a teacher. So then I began to fret that this might have potentially been a gutting experience. Maybe my job was on the line too. But he passed with flying colors, and I breathed a sigh of relief and patted myself on the back--I thought I had done good for the department, and for him.
So fast forward to 2012. We have been working together for the past four years, and he and I have not only maintained a good friendship but we have also experienced the ins and outs of working at our school. We have both been on the hunt for jobs--perhaps I have been with a little more urgency than he, for a number of reasons. Except that when an opportunity at a new school down in New York opened up, I set off to try and establish connections and interest, and while I knew his interest was piqued, I encouraged him to also apply. I put him in touch with the connection I had, and then we both ended up traveling down to interview. He said his interview was strange and rushed. Mine had been similar, but nevertheless, I felt that I had had some good talks with the people behind the scenes. I followed up with emails, and I'm sure he did the same (or maybe not?) but we both did not hear back from the school afterward. He was willing to take that as a 'no thank you'; or a 'don't call us, we'll call you' response, and seemed to just move on. I thought it wouldn't hurt to follow up about the process. so I did. and I got a response, which said, ' just wait a little longer.' So I did.
Only, he ended up getting the job offer, and took it (as he should, because, he should!), and somehow, although I am really really happy for him, it's just hard to accept the fact that in some way, I play some role in the hand he was dealt. I on the other hand was not offered a job, and while an email was written because of the fact that I would probably catch wind of his hire, there was a vague explanation of 'we didn't select him 'over' you, he just fit the needs of our school better.' sounds a little conflicting in my eyes. But what can I do? I didn't get it. And yet...maybe I shot myself in the foot. It's hard to be rejected. And I know that we are two different people, but maybe I'll never really know why, and I'll never fully believe or just take that line as the sincere reason. I don't know why I can't.
It's these very sentiments that seem to defile any intended altruism, though, don't they? And then I don't know why I would want to be any more altruistic if in someway, that initial desire and motivation to just help selflessly gets squashed by the outcome. Or maybe I don't know how to be altruistic, or I really don't know that I've ever truly experienced altruism.
I could get into how this all spirals with God, but I fear that my impassioned state or frustration only breeds more resentment. I'd like to believe that altruism is rewarded, but I don' t know at what point...
I really am so glad for him. I know that he's wanted to leave, and I know that in the long run, I want to and ultimately have to be content with the way life plays out for each of us. But, i feel like this is the second time I have basically placed these two jobs in his hands. And I am feeling left pretty empty handed. and crummy.
