Wake up call

Monday- it's not the best way to wake up on a Monday morning but I suppose this is what is considered a part of life here. 

Happy St. Patrick's day as well! 4 more days to go. 

Bright Lights And Cityscapes

If you will, play this while reading, I dare you.

In the advent of last night's excursion out to the Hollywood Hills for the first time in my life (and since my move to the left coast), and appropriately so for a web series premiere party for a friend with a budding career in the entertainment industry, I am taking a moment of reprieve from my grading frenzy of these very rough drafts of Gatsby analytical papers, to reflect a little; to breathe, and then continue. There is always beauty in the confluence of disparate moments that one's life possesses, and I am trying more and more to hold on to these moments that seem to weave themselves together. Even as I write this, I think about the images, the themes and ideas that Fitzgerald's novel holds about the incredible possibilities that exist, that are dreamed up in the midst of hard realities that persist, and the other moments that have surfaced in this brief pause.

In the midst of all that I have been trying to figure out about my own life, I spent a few hours with a dear colleague and friend of mine, as well as some other special people who have occupied the more recent spaces in my life, to celebrate the launch of a web series that she and some other talented and driven people wrote, directed and produced. As we made our way up the winding road to this hillside venue after a short stopover at The Abbey (also another LA landmark that I was happy to have visited in good company), I experienced a split-second of celebrity on a step and repeat that led to a breath-taking view of the city that I have struggled to embrace these past few months.  And in that moment, as I looked out on to the expanse of the sprawling city-town, I exhaled. The weather was perfect, everyone was looking fresh and ready for whatever was ahead. And I was happy. I felt for a moment, as Fitzgerald writes, that the world might "be in a uniform and at a sort of moral attention forever." It was a time to celebrate the achievements of dreams realized, dreams conjured, and there was joy and indulgence in such thought for those few hours.  This is what makes this city, in short, dazzling. Not to say that the underbelly of such accomplishments is just as glamorous--I know it's not. I still have my feet on the ground, sometimes just one at a time, but yesterday, even after talking to a friend about my own struggles to own me, to understand the grace of God in my life, and to define the terms of how it will be for me, just between Him and me, I felt a sense of renewal in the hope that I have always held on to, when it comes to what is in store for me.  And as I have struggled to embrace that 'self', that version of me that I am continuing to become, the one that is already determined, regardless of my parents expectations, or the approval I have painstakingly sought in favor over my own, or even God's, I want to be proud of who I am and who I will continue to become, because I know I have made the choices for my life without feeling guilted or apologetic about them. To be fearless and faithful through and through.

In listening to this song, I was reminded of an essay I wrote in college about my best friend. Even though there have been moments in my life where she and I have been distant, not by anything other than life happening to both of us, I still consider her my best friend, because for so long, even when geography was the biggest obstacle for us to manage, she was always there to receive me, to accept me and tell it to me straight, whether it was how to defend a field hockey goal in her backyard (I was the practice partner all summer), or being the 'other', the sister, the counterpart for whatever she needed me to be, however she needed help. I spent much of those summers feeling whole, because she embodied many qualities that I only wished to possess and see actualized in myself. We were complements, and at the same time, she also reminded me of the characteristics that I owned and she made me thankful for them. I have often discredited, or even failed to acknowledge that flaws and all, I am who I am. I will continue to change, and evolve, but every summer that I spent with her, I began to see her grow as well, and I realized that there was always that opportunity, that chance for her tempers to subside, for her to also see that her way wasn't always going to be the right way, that I might have some perspective and maybe even a right answer for her to consider. And as I have watched her grow up alongside me, get married, grow a business, and become a mother, what has never wavered is her faith in me, in her ability to admit change, embrace her flaws, forgive herself, and move on. And perhaps, although it is a late realization, I am also learning to let go, to forgive, to embrace who I am and who I have become. There are parts of me that will never change, parts of me that people will grow to dislike or find unacceptable, especially people I consider to be the most important in my life.  But this is me.

So when I go back to last night, looking out at the lights and the city, for all that it offered in its luster and excitement from where I stood, I also reflected on the unseen, the struggle, the dirty noise, the fuel and process of keeping such appearances.  And I looked to the moon, seemingly full, and smiled.

Bright Lights and Cityscapes

Hold my breath and I'll count to ten
I'm the paper and you're the pen
You fill me in and you are permanent
And you'll leave me to dry
I'm the writer and she's the muse
And the one that you always choose
She will falter and gift her blame
And it starts all over again
Again again again

She is bright lights and cityscapes
And white lies and cavalcades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you
You say maybe it'll last this time
But I'm gonna love you
You never have to ask
I'm gonna love you
'Til you start looking back
I'm gonna love you
So right
I wouldn't need a second chance

Shield your eyes from the truth at hand
Tell me why it'll be good again
All those demons are closing in
And I don't want you to burn
Nevermind what I said before
I don't want any less anymore
You are carbon and I am flame
I will rise and you will
Remain

For bright lights and cityscapes
And landslides and masquerades
And she'll take all you ever have
But I'm gonna love you
You say, "Maybe it'll last this time"
But I'm gonna love you
You never have to ask
I'm gonna love you
'Til you start looking back
I wouldn't need a second chance
I wouldn't need a second chance
I wouldn't need a second chance
I wouldn't need a second chance

 -S. Bareilles