before I go to bed, finally, I will still have to send an email out to inquire about tentative plans for summer, take a shower, and figure out how I am to rise in roughly 5.5 hours to workout--and then look to all that is ahead for a no class saturday--yet filled with class-related duties.
I have to say though, I still savor these moments. The lamps in my apt burn through the night hours, when most of the eastern seaboard is dormant, unconscious to all the silence and movement still taking place. One of my colleagues, who lives in a house right behind my dorm, approached me a couple days ago and asked, "Now don't take this the wrong way, but what are you doing up at 5:30 in the morning?" I responded," I'd ask you the same question, if you notice that I'm up--(she noticed that there is always a light on in one of my rooms--it's my bedroom, if you were curious too)" She chuckles and gives an explanation and then waits to hear mine. At this point, on this particular day, I recall that I actually fell asleep with my lamp on--and would have woken up to turn it off around 5:30--this is a time here, where daylight still refuses to reveal itself on our part of the world--and so a glow from a room window is pretty significant. I can't bear to tell her this--but the other reason is simply this. I am a late sleeper and an early riser. It's biological. She calls it insomnia--I disagree. And no, I don't think I am in denial. I'm just wired differently. I sleep late, and rise early. I need roughly what used to be 5, but is rapidly growing to be 6 hours of sleep per night. According to national sleep studies, I am chronically fatigued, but I also think that my desire to sleep in these days is a result of the winter. SO much so that I have been suckered into buying what is called, a happy lamp; a full spectrum light that is used in order to help remedy seasonal affect disorder. Does it work? I'm not sure...but I do know that I am able to focus a bit more when the light is on.
In any case--my life exists in flourescents for the time being--the replication of day, if you will, to elongate the already brief stint of natural experience that we afford in this long wintry February.
My mother tells me to pray, and to pray with certainty in these times. These times, in particular, are filled with questions, unknown answers, and a plethora of hypotheticals, ideals, and dreams. They are also bogged with the immediate and unsatisfying reality--whether this is the result of the aforementioned possibility, opportunity, I don't know. maybe. But I find it stifling, to be here...to be constantly in limbo, as one of my former students even admits, with sadness and confusion--why I can't friend him on facebook. But part of me remains unable to move, to act. I can't friend him, because I can't move. I cannot detect any positive or negative growth from any of the decisions or outcomes that are to take place in the next month, two months. The future, however, seems and feels bright still, filled with opportunities that may lose their glean when time draws me closer...but I still wonder why. why it has to be this way.
Perhaps I must wait--tread slowly. heed the words of Hemingway. He was, simply, wise.
and now I'll wait for the real light....
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